Shame & Rejection: The Autistic Experience

Shame is one of the most insidious of things – it can be generated by the subtlest of signals and hints as much as by blatant disapproval. Indeed it works best when both are mixed. It’s message: Society disapproves of who and what you are, what you do, how you do it… you are a failure and everyone knows it. Once a person buys into this self-image, they carry it around within them, seeking to hide who and what they are: masking.

Built into this is rejection – you are not one of us, you are an outsider and we reject you. That sense of rejection is also projected into the future, into hypothetical situations and anticipated outcomes, creating what’s termed Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD): shame, distress, and often flight from situations of imagined rejection, of anticipating being outed as a failure.

Underlying all this – common experiences throughout the lives of Autistic and many other Neurodivergent people and other marginalised communities – is a recognition that ‘I am Other, I do not belong, They know it, I need to feel shame.’

We will discuss these concepts and break down how shame and a sense of rejection gets established in the mind and do their insidious work. We will talk through scenarios where these commonly impact on Neurodivergent individuals and the ways those people tend to respond, such as RSD and PDA. We will discuss the pain and isolation experienced, but also suggest pathways to overcome them, through self-care, community, and therapeutic support.